Miscarriage: 7 Things I Learned

Miscarriage: 7 Things I Learned

Miscarriage… this is a tough one. But I think it’s something we should be talking about. I currently have a one year old and a three year old. Very easy pregnancies, very normal births. At this point I never thought we would experience this kind of loss. We found out we were pregnant with our third and were ecstatic. I am one of those people that loves being pregnant. People generally tell me I’m crazy because of that. But there’s just something about it. Maternity clothes are my jam. Who doesn’t want to live in stretchy pants?

We had a dating ultrasound and found out that the baby measured at 6 weeks and 1 day. It took a while, but the ultrasound tech was able to find the heartbeat. It’s a feeling of relief that just can’t be explained. All signs pointed to a healthy pregnancy. Throughout the pregnancy I did have a feeling that something was wrong, but there were no physical signs of miscarriage. I tried to tell myself that I was just being paranoid. When we were 12 weeks, they were unable to find a heartbeat with a fetal doppler. Ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. To sum up how I felt in that moment – my world fell apart. I won’t get into the details of what happened next, but I do want to share what I’ve learned along this journey. Just for a point of reference, it has been a little over a month since we lost our sweet baby.

*This is based on my experience alone. I realize that this is a totally different experience for those that do not have children. My heart aches for you.


1. It’s painful

Emotionally more than anything. I am usually not a very emotional person. I’m not sure if it’s because I grew up with three brothers, played sports or if it’s just how I’m wired. I can usually get a pretty good grip on my emotions. Not this time. And it was painful for more than just me. My husband, our parents, brothers and sisters. Everyone was hurting with us and for us.

2. It’s eye opening

I always knew our girls were gifts from above, but this loss reminded me that they truly are miracles. I found myself just wanting to hold them and appreciate them so much more.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” James 1:17

3. I learned how to grieve

I used to think something was wrong with me because it took so much for me to actually get emotional about something. Everyone around me would be in tears, and I’d be the one comforting them because I was the only one that wasn’t emotional. Again, not sure where that comes from, but this miscarriage really did teach me how to grieve in a healthy way. I had some very close friends walk me through that. We are so thankful for the support we had and still have during this time. It’s made such a difference in our grieving process.

4. It’s ok to be a mess.

Along with grieving, I learned it’s ok to be a mess. Like a hot mess, not just a normal mess. Being as I usually held myself together, this was tough for me. I didn’t like not being in control of my emotions. I would be driving and out of the blue: BAM! Here come the tears. And when I would usually suck it up, I let them flow. And I still do. If I feel those feelings of disappointment coming up, I embrace it, rather than run from it. I loved that child and still do, and it’s ok for me to miss him/her and to think about what could’ve been.

5. This is not from the Lord

I know that this is not from the Lord. Without a doubt. Until we reach perfection when we go to be with the Lord, these things will happen. I am thankful for the trust I have in Him, and over the years I have learned that He ONLY wants good things for us. No part of this process is easy. Knowing that God wants to take my burdens has helped me remember that this is not for me to carry.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

I don’t know why this happened, or why bad things happen at all. Sometimes we will never get answers this side of Heaven. All I can do is take this experience to encourage others and give glory to God for the good things He has given us.

6. Grief and Joy can coexist

I never knew this until I experienced it myself. With all the pain that miscarriage brings, we can choose joy while grieving. Not the “I’m going to put a smile on my face even though I’m a mess” kind of joy. But the kind that says, “This hurts, this is hard, but I can choose joy because I know I will see that baby again.” It’s been this rollercoaster of joyful and tearful moments, that have all run together.

I have two toddlers, two beautiful gifts from God. My heart was broken for our whole family, and I knew one day I would have to explain this to them. We plan to tell them that there is another brother or sister in Heaven that can’t wait to meet them. I hope to make it a special moment for them and to use it as a teaching opportunity as much as we can.

7. There’s hope

When I was in the thick of this, it was very hard to be hopeful. It is a process and I’ve learned to give myself grace in getting through it. I was even at the point where I didn’t want to get pregnant again because of the fear that it would happen again. I don’t know what we would do or how we would get through this without Jesus. It stretched me and challenged me to lean on Him even more.

What helped me most was knowing that my baby was with Jesus. I pictured Jesus seeing that baby for the first time and gently saying, “Welcome home.” From perfection to perfection. That baby never had to experience any kind of pain or disappointment, he went straight to the One who created him. I still yearn for that child, and I’ll forever miss him. And that’s ok, because he deserves to be missed.

I would love to hear how you’re finding hope and joy. What helped you get through your miscarriage? Comment below!  

9 thoughts on “Miscarriage: 7 Things I Learned

  1. I experienced a miscarriage in Dec of 2014. I like you did not react right away. I knew something was wrong when I went in to hear my baby’s heart beat for the first time and they couldn’t find one. All the emotions came rushing in at once a few days later. I would say that was the worst month of my life. What kept my head up was knowing that I would see my baby one day again in heaven. At first I was angry wondering why God would take my baby away but that angry slipped away quickly as I fell completely into my saviors arms and dove into his word. I at times get sad when I see a family together or see a friend who becomes pregnant. That sadness doesn’t last long because I remember the blessings I have in my life and that God keeps his promises. He will give me a family one day and that’s something I’m looking forward too.

    1. Hi Geneane! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I want this to be a safe place where we can share our story and encourage each other along our individual journeys. You have such a positive outlook, which can be very hard to have. Believing that soon you will have the family that you desire. Thank you again for being so vulnerable.

  2. Hey Jenny! I don’t know you personally but I met Kevin several years ago in OK while visiting Eric. I saw you guys had recently lost your third and i’m so very sorry! We lost ours shortly after you did. It was so crazy. I just had a feeling from the beginning that I would never meet this one. It was something I couldn’t explain… I told Eric and he was in shock I felt that way. I had been having severe pains for a few days before we went to my 16 week gender reveal. He was moving around perfectly normal but he was turned to where they couldn’t see. We went home and that night I was in so much pain I knew I was in full on labor. We went to the hospital and on the way my water broke. At that point I just knew. I knew he wasn’t there anymore. We got to the hospital and Eric kept asking if they’d check for a heartbeat and they said there’s no way he’s alive. They said my placenta was starting to come out first and I needed to deliver immediately. We later found out that my placenta had an infection of some sort and it had torn away from my uterus. Of course we went through all the “what if’s” but we know God has a purpose for this experience. Several months before we found out I was pregnant, Eric had a dream that we had another son and his name was Noah. Once we saw this one was indeed a boy, that was his name. And we looked it up at the hospital and it means peace and comfort. How good is our God? He knew before this even happened that’s what we needed- peace and comfort.

    1. Whitney, thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. Kevin told me about your loss and my heart was broken for you.
      I love the story about naming him Noah. This life is not easy, but you are right – God is still good. I hope your recovery is going well and your body is getting back to normal. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.

  3. Thank you for sharing YOUR story. Thanks for not holding it in. I have overcome 5 miscarriages. 4 of them I passed at home. 1 through DNC/DNE. And then years of infertility. I am also choosing to speak my story to other women to help remove the stigma of fertility. And also to help make these topics less taboo. If you would humbly consider following me to help get our stories out, that would be just beyond amazing. We need each other. ♥ Hugs to you today.

    1. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine having so many miscarriages. Just the one was hard enough. I am thankful for women like you who choose to share their story as well!

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